Wednesday, August 11, 2010


You have two options right now, as you read this post. You can
1. Skip the next 4 paragraphs and proceed directly to the short story, or
2. Read the preface of sorts and then read the story.

I do this only for them who like to read and then form opinions, as opposed to those who don't mind forming an early opinion.

Good evening, girls and gents. Today, uncle Loy will take you through another one of his compositions (Short Story). This time around, you will read about a protagonist called 'Doctor Amus'. Before you get into the story, however, a few details need to told to understand Doctor Amus. Doctor Amus is many things, and here are a few superficial aspects of what humans understand as his 'personality':
1. He resides in Mumbai.
2. He is a Hippopotamus.
3. He is not a qualified doctor in any field defined by humans.

But that only gives you a superficial sort of idea of the character that is 'Doctor Amus'. What you need to understand about Doctor Amus is that he is the living persona of a contradiction, as are all of his kind. Doctor Amus is special in that he strives to achieve that perfect balance of contradiction. He lives and breathes a complete contradiction, and this is his only philosophy-To engage in any activity, say activity A; and to then engage in any other activity, say activity B; such that activity A and B contradict each other.

Now that you've drawn a mental picture of Doctor Amus, you can proceed directly to The Story:

Doctor Amus was lonely. It was the middle of the day, the sun was at it's peak, and he'd been awake for 6 hours now. His girlfriend had just ditched him, and he was all alone on his terrace. In his pocket, lied 3 unused condoms, and it looked like they weren't about to be used any time soon. In a fit of anger and frustration, Doc A threw those condoms away.

Doc A decided that this would not do. No. He decided that he would allow himself ONE grieving period, after which he would pick his life up, and let nothing faze him. But to reach this, he need ONE decent grieving period. To achieve this objective, Doc H set out in the direction of Colaba. He had heard that vendors do infact sell in Colaba, what is known to humans as 'Cannabis', or 'Marijuana', or 'Weed', or 'Herb', or 'Charas', or 'Hashish', or 'Pot', or 'Ganja', or 'Crazy ass shit that takes you high but allows you function even though you aren't really all that crisp'. This was his trip. This was his grief. He decided that he would wallow in his pity that day, and from then on, he would move on. Just like that. However, this is when the complications arose. He went to Colaba, but all he saw were tourists and christians. Not one peddlar came up to him and offered to sell, because let's face it, which vendor in his right mind would go and pitch weed to a hippopotamus? Even if one of the aliases of the said substance happened to be a part of the animals name? So basically, Doc A spent the entire afternoon searching and searching for some of that illegal substance, to no avail. He asked hundreds of people, shamed scores of aunties, and educated dozens of children, but got none of the substance. Disheartened and dejected, he gave up. Clearly, the universe did not want Doctor Amus to experience grief just yet.

Finally, Doc A decided that this was it. Grief or no grief, he was moving on. He was too laid back for his own good, and NOW was the time for change. He went up to his terrace for a breath of fresh air, and who should he run into there, but his girlfriend who ditched him this very afternoon. They both stood still for a moment, eyes locked into each other. The wind blew as incessantly as ever, and the evening sun glistened peacefully and sleepily. They ran at each other, hugged, and everything was good again for Doctor Amus.

Except for one small detail. In his earlier frustration, Doctor Amus had thrown away the condoms that he felt he wouldn't need for a while. Now, however, he faced a predicament. He had no condoms, and he really wanted the make up sex. For there is no sex like make up sex. The only option was to go and buy more condoms.

At this point of time in the story, i choose to tell you, the reader, a little fact about chemists. The busiest time of a chemists shop is in the evening, around dusk. About an hour before and after the setting of the sun. Now that you know that, you should also know that Colaba is at it's busiest in the afternoon. After lunch and before the sun gets that orange tint. So basically, if you want to purchase the aforementioned illegal substances, the busiest time of the day is hardly the time you want to go. Also, if you wish to purchase a condom from a chemist, the busiest time of the day for the chemist is hardly the time you should choose to buy the same if you wish to avoid judgment or embarrasment.

Anyway, if you remember correctly, Doctor Amus had decided to forego his sense of embarrasment in the afternoon. He tried to purchase the illegal substance when Colaba was at it's most crowded. Now, however, Doc A is faced with the dilemna of buying condoms at the chemists' peak hour. Will he nut up and shed all semblance of embarrasment?

No. He had shed all semblance of embarrasment in the afternoon, and the motto of Doctor Amus dictates that two activites must contradict each other. So, he refuses to go and buy condoms because of the resulting embarrasment; thereby achieving his goal of contradiction. Humans choose to call this 'Hypocrisy'.

So finally, at the end of the story, what we're left with is this:
Doctor Amus is a Pot smoking, hypocriticial hippopotamus. He is a Hippo (Hypocrite) - Pot (Marijuana) - Amus (His name).

Thank You.

PS: Eels - Flyswatter; Arctic Monkeys - Cigarette Smoker Fiona; Athlete - Tokyo; Pain Of Salvation - No Way.