An Incomplete Story That Also Happens To Be Non-Fiction

Before i begin to tell you about how i'd like to begin my post, i'd like to take a minute of your time. You've all heard this name before: 'Sean'. It's pronounced like so: 'Shaun'. I'd like you, the reader, to repeat this name thrice to yourself. After you have done this, proceed to the next line. PROCEED ONLY AFTER OBEYING THE SAID INSTRUCTIONS.

Good, now the name 'Sean' has entered your subconscious. Remember, if at any point of time in your life, you feel the urge to have sex with, or even just kiss anyone called 'Sean', act upon it. You won't be sorry. Thank you for your minute, and back to the post you go:

I'd like to begin this post by telling you that i will first take a bit of your time and relate a certain incident that happened to me yesterday. After the incident and the analysis of the incident, i will take a bit more of your time. But let's not get into that. Anyway.

The Incident

Yesterday morning, i woke up with a heavy head and an even heavier heart. On my agenda for the day were 2 dreaded plans:

Plan 1: I had to go back to my college to talk to my professor and sort my final years marksheet issue (Another story for another time). This would be at around 11am, and i expected it to go on till about 1pm at the latest.

Plan 2: I had to go to a friends place halfway across the city to pick something up; which meant i'd have to avail of certain facilities that i'd rather not avail of-rickshaws, taxis and trains. This was scheduled to be immediately after Plan 1.

Of course, being the prat that i am, i procrastinated and ended up being at college at precisely 1.30pm. I finished my stupid meeting, and set out to catch a train to the friends place. I got into the train, sat for about 25 minutes, and then got off at my desired destination. From that station, i proceeded towards the queue for the rickshaws. Unfortunately, there were no rickshaws. So after waiting for about 20 minutes, i decided to walk. Halfway to my friends house, i managed to get a rickshaw. I reached in 5 minutes and stayed for another 45; after which i set off on my return journey. At this point, let me tell you that it was now raining heavily, and i was sure i'd face the same rickshaw problem. Sure enough, i did. After waiting for 15 minutes, i spotted this lonely modern cab. In Mumbai, there are 2 distinct kinds (more like, varieties) of cabs:

a) The traditional Premier Padminis, or the Fiats, as they are lovingly called. These form an overwhelming majority of the cab population of my city.

b) The comparatively modern cabs, which are faster, more sleek, more cost efficient as a result of being more fuel efficient and the drivers aren't that cranky. As you've already guessed by now, the ratio of modern cabs to Fiats is similar to the ratio of the followers of the Baha'i faith to followers of other faiths in India.

Because of that fact, modern cabs are much more identifiable. So therefore, if you leave your cell phone in one and realize only a few short minutes after it happened, chances are that you'll find the same cab in the same spot, the driver waiting for you with your cell phone in his hand and a smile upon his face. Not true.

Yes, that's how i choose to end that story.

PS: Pain Of Salvation - Marticus Nauticus II; John Scofield - Hottentot; Avial - Aadu Pambe; Mute Math - Chaos. Just in case you were wondering what the point of the first two paragraphs were, remember this: 'Sean'.

Unwanted Opinions Anonymous

**I may add, before you read this, that i repeatedly use words that, in India are called "Them Four Letter Words" in this post. Just a warning. To put it bluntly, i use certain expressions in the English language that are used in slang and refer to extremely sexual or dirty things but are actually used either to convey disgust, as expressions of catharsis or for point-emphasis. I apologize for this if you are put off by it. But please bear with me.

I am affected by opinions, be it for movies, music or even people. Sometimes, i call it peer pressure; sometimes i call it bandwagon humping tendencies; but the point is that as much as i hate it, i'm affected by what others think. Opinions make a difference. Just to clear the air, i'm not looking at this in a i-hate-when-people-hate-me sort of way but in a i-hate-when-people-tell-me-a-movie-sucks-when-it-actually-doesn't sort of way. In my opinion, anyway.

Allow me to posit a scenario:

Your friends are chilling together, and they call you to chill with 'em. You go wherever they are, and basically just sit back and relax with them. In this state of 'chilling out' or 'relaxing', several topics of discussion float around, such as women, sports, movies, friends etc. Suddenly, you go: "Dude, have you seen 'Trainspotting'? I'm dying to see it. I saw a bit and it looks insane!". Picture this: they all start laughing and say stuff like: "Fuck yourself, idiot", or "It sucks, idiot", or even "I hate blackcurrant ice cream. Mmmmmmmm." What emotions do you think you'll experience?

For starters, you won't finish the movie. Even if you do, it's ruined. Fucking opinion pushers. I liked 'The Love Guru', and a huge fucking middle finger to whoever didn't.

One cannot avoid opinions. Personally, i'd go crazy if everyone suddenly stopped putting their opinions forth and became very politically correct. The slang for politically correct is PC. Like the magician. Hyperlink! However, i hate vehement bad opinions. They put me off. Sometimes, i hate vehement good opinions as well, but it's the bad ones i detest. Anything in excess is bad. People who attach a lot of emotion with their opinions are unacceptable. People who stress and emphasise every point in the opinion are, unacceptable. Has your friend ever told you a snippet from a movie you haven't seen either to:

a) Get you to watch it, or

b) To make you think of the movie in a favourable light, or

c) To make you think of the friend in a favourable light.

It's time for a true story! Here goes it:

One day, my friend Karun just happened to be sleeping. He does sleep a lot, but he is, after all: Lazy Man (with his trusty sidekick: Lazy Boy). Anyway, because of his slumber, we were forced to go the movies without him. There, we saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". Now, as you may or may not know, the movie is shite. Comic lovers especially hated it for reasons that i refuse to get into. Personally, i loved the movie, but after hearing everything everyone else had to say, i kept this piece of information to myself. Moving on, everyone told my friend Karun that the movie sucked. For those who can't understand terminology usage or are from the past or the future, 'sucked' is a bad thing. Do not misinterpret this for your generation. Therefore, because of us, Karun did not have high expectations when he finally got down to seeing the movie; and because of this, he loved it. This is a perfect example of what i'm trying to say. Almost too perfect. But that's how life is. Seemingly too perfect.

PS: I like self referencing. It's why i love 30 Rock: see Season 1, Episode 5: Jack-Tor. I also like Baby I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys; Dreaming Of You - The Coral and Friend Is A Four Letter Word - Cake.

Frustration At Pointless Things

There are times when i feel happy, light hearted and in a general good mood. You know? The sun is bright but not too bright, the breeze is pleasant but not a gale, it's neither too hot or too cold, and i have not a care in the world. Picture yourself in this same scenario. You've just had a leisurely sleep and you're well rested and slightly groggy. At this point of time, your fortune takes a turn and you read this:

Today, my boyfriend begged me not to break up with him. Not because he loved me, but because losing me would mean losing me as a friend on Facebook, then losing me as a neighbour on Farmville, and thus dropping a skill level. FML
#9330219 (197)
I agree, your life sucks (6951) - you totally deserved it (737)
On 03/23/2010 at 2:46pm - love - by iKaite (woman) - United Kingdom

There are times when i love StumbleUpon and the randomness of the internet, and there are times when i want to do the equivalent of pushing an irod rod up a raging bulls behind to the computer. These aren't necessarily related, but the point is that sometimes, things frustrate you. If you feel bad when something really bad happens to you and you're frustrated, imagine how much worse you'll feel if something trivial frustrates you.

http://www.fmylife.com/

Because some things just don't have an explanation.

How I Function

I cannot function without inspiration; and i don't mean inspiration in the Steven Gerrard way. The Steven Gerrard way of inspiration, for those who do not know, is 'leading by example and thereby inducing results by sheer awesomeness'. Steven Gerrard will score a spectacular goal, make an awesome tackle or give a brilliant through ball, and will hence goad his team mates to try and reach his own level of awesomeness. That is what is portrayed as true inspiration; and that is precisely what i do not feel.

I see people doing shit, and i feel jealous. So i do shit. If i see people aren't doing shit, i don't feel jealousy and hence i don't do shit. Y'know? By shit, i mean stuff; but you know that already, don't you, you awesome reader. You beautiful, handsome, clever ape. You ape aping, grape gaping, Bolton Wanderer. You toilet paper, you.

Functioning for me is a way of life; and what really, is life? Life is a bunch of functions that are verbs. Life is the void that one feels when one is in a crowd. Life is the awesomeness that one feels when one's team is knocked out of the Champions League. Life is the eccentricity that one foregoes to pre-determine change. Life is more than just a full stop, and anyone who stops with a Life Is.

The point i'm trying to make is that i'm hopelessly writers blocked. I feel empty inside.

The bright side is that Liverpool have won their last two games; and that i have awesome music to listen to.

PS: The Fort Minor album really is awesome. The Demi Lovato album is ruddy brilliant.

"No Change, Boss"

Frustration is a common emotion in metropolises. You know, the frustration one feels while stuck in a traffic jam, or while waiting in a long line for a ticket, or while waiting for your order at McDonalds, or when the lecture just doesn't seem to end. Those, and a thousand more. If you, the reader, can think of more tickets to frustration, then please do, and let me know. For it is always a pleasure to see other sources of frustration. I always enjoy misery more than happiness. Others misery, that is. A good example of this is Simon Cowell (the British judge from 'American Idol'). People keep questioning his cynicism (which, coincidentally is why he's there as a judge in the first place), and he keeps trying to tell people: If he sees someone doing well for themselves or being a success, he doesn't 'feel happy for the person'. He hates it, and you can choose to live in denial, but you can't deny you feel the same as well. Unless it's your own achievements we're talking about, obviously (but you know that).

Anyway, my primary source of frustration is the blank look that cabbies, ticket counter waalas and sellers give you when you hand them a big note (say Rs. 100 and higher). "No change, boss" is the general refrain, and this is painful; because then the hunt for change begins. The moment one sees the face, one realizes that one has lost 5 minutes at the very least.

However, let's delve into this a bit further. Who is at fault here? Is it the cabbie, who always gives the dirty look that says: "How is it my fault if you don't have change?"; or is it the consumer, who's logic is: "I have money to pay him, it's only fair that he should have change for me." The cabbies invariably argue for ages with you once you tell them you don't have change. It is apparently your own fault if you enter a cab and don't have fucking change. You have enough money to pay me, but i don't have enough to ensure you pay me what i deserve and not more.

My solution: Before i enter cabs, i ask them: "D'you have change for a hundred bucks?". It's worked so far.

A friend of mine told me a story that made my blood boil. He was sitting in the back of a cab when the cabbie broke a signal and got caught. The moment he saw the police guy coming for him, he reached into about 5 different pockets all over his body, took out about 2000 rupees and handed it to my friend for safekeeping. When the 'hawaldar' finally came, he handed him 200 bucks saying: "This is all i have". Anyway, the point of this story is: Don't let them cab fuckers fool you into believing they don't have change. They have so much change that their fucking hands gleam of silver everytime a rainbow comes up in the sky. Cabbies are evil, man. EEEVAAELLLL.

PS: I'm listening to Surrender by Billy Talent, and it is indeed awesome.