An Incomplete Story That Also Happens To Be Non-Fiction

Before i begin to tell you about how i'd like to begin my post, i'd like to take a minute of your time. You've all heard this name before: 'Sean'. It's pronounced like so: 'Shaun'. I'd like you, the reader, to repeat this name thrice to yourself. After you have done this, proceed to the next line. PROCEED ONLY AFTER OBEYING THE SAID INSTRUCTIONS.

Good, now the name 'Sean' has entered your subconscious. Remember, if at any point of time in your life, you feel the urge to have sex with, or even just kiss anyone called 'Sean', act upon it. You won't be sorry. Thank you for your minute, and back to the post you go:

I'd like to begin this post by telling you that i will first take a bit of your time and relate a certain incident that happened to me yesterday. After the incident and the analysis of the incident, i will take a bit more of your time. But let's not get into that. Anyway.

The Incident

Yesterday morning, i woke up with a heavy head and an even heavier heart. On my agenda for the day were 2 dreaded plans:

Plan 1: I had to go back to my college to talk to my professor and sort my final years marksheet issue (Another story for another time). This would be at around 11am, and i expected it to go on till about 1pm at the latest.

Plan 2: I had to go to a friends place halfway across the city to pick something up; which meant i'd have to avail of certain facilities that i'd rather not avail of-rickshaws, taxis and trains. This was scheduled to be immediately after Plan 1.

Of course, being the prat that i am, i procrastinated and ended up being at college at precisely 1.30pm. I finished my stupid meeting, and set out to catch a train to the friends place. I got into the train, sat for about 25 minutes, and then got off at my desired destination. From that station, i proceeded towards the queue for the rickshaws. Unfortunately, there were no rickshaws. So after waiting for about 20 minutes, i decided to walk. Halfway to my friends house, i managed to get a rickshaw. I reached in 5 minutes and stayed for another 45; after which i set off on my return journey. At this point, let me tell you that it was now raining heavily, and i was sure i'd face the same rickshaw problem. Sure enough, i did. After waiting for 15 minutes, i spotted this lonely modern cab. In Mumbai, there are 2 distinct kinds (more like, varieties) of cabs:

a) The traditional Premier Padminis, or the Fiats, as they are lovingly called. These form an overwhelming majority of the cab population of my city.

b) The comparatively modern cabs, which are faster, more sleek, more cost efficient as a result of being more fuel efficient and the drivers aren't that cranky. As you've already guessed by now, the ratio of modern cabs to Fiats is similar to the ratio of the followers of the Baha'i faith to followers of other faiths in India.

Because of that fact, modern cabs are much more identifiable. So therefore, if you leave your cell phone in one and realize only a few short minutes after it happened, chances are that you'll find the same cab in the same spot, the driver waiting for you with your cell phone in his hand and a smile upon his face. Not true.

Yes, that's how i choose to end that story.

PS: Pain Of Salvation - Marticus Nauticus II; John Scofield - Hottentot; Avial - Aadu Pambe; Mute Math - Chaos. Just in case you were wondering what the point of the first two paragraphs were, remember this: 'Sean'.

Unwanted Opinions Anonymous

**I may add, before you read this, that i repeatedly use words that, in India are called "Them Four Letter Words" in this post. Just a warning. To put it bluntly, i use certain expressions in the English language that are used in slang and refer to extremely sexual or dirty things but are actually used either to convey disgust, as expressions of catharsis or for point-emphasis. I apologize for this if you are put off by it. But please bear with me.

I am affected by opinions, be it for movies, music or even people. Sometimes, i call it peer pressure; sometimes i call it bandwagon humping tendencies; but the point is that as much as i hate it, i'm affected by what others think. Opinions make a difference. Just to clear the air, i'm not looking at this in a i-hate-when-people-hate-me sort of way but in a i-hate-when-people-tell-me-a-movie-sucks-when-it-actually-doesn't sort of way. In my opinion, anyway.

Allow me to posit a scenario:

Your friends are chilling together, and they call you to chill with 'em. You go wherever they are, and basically just sit back and relax with them. In this state of 'chilling out' or 'relaxing', several topics of discussion float around, such as women, sports, movies, friends etc. Suddenly, you go: "Dude, have you seen 'Trainspotting'? I'm dying to see it. I saw a bit and it looks insane!". Picture this: they all start laughing and say stuff like: "Fuck yourself, idiot", or "It sucks, idiot", or even "I hate blackcurrant ice cream. Mmmmmmmm." What emotions do you think you'll experience?

For starters, you won't finish the movie. Even if you do, it's ruined. Fucking opinion pushers. I liked 'The Love Guru', and a huge fucking middle finger to whoever didn't.

One cannot avoid opinions. Personally, i'd go crazy if everyone suddenly stopped putting their opinions forth and became very politically correct. The slang for politically correct is PC. Like the magician. Hyperlink! However, i hate vehement bad opinions. They put me off. Sometimes, i hate vehement good opinions as well, but it's the bad ones i detest. Anything in excess is bad. People who attach a lot of emotion with their opinions are unacceptable. People who stress and emphasise every point in the opinion are, unacceptable. Has your friend ever told you a snippet from a movie you haven't seen either to:

a) Get you to watch it, or

b) To make you think of the movie in a favourable light, or

c) To make you think of the friend in a favourable light.

It's time for a true story! Here goes it:

One day, my friend Karun just happened to be sleeping. He does sleep a lot, but he is, after all: Lazy Man (with his trusty sidekick: Lazy Boy). Anyway, because of his slumber, we were forced to go the movies without him. There, we saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". Now, as you may or may not know, the movie is shite. Comic lovers especially hated it for reasons that i refuse to get into. Personally, i loved the movie, but after hearing everything everyone else had to say, i kept this piece of information to myself. Moving on, everyone told my friend Karun that the movie sucked. For those who can't understand terminology usage or are from the past or the future, 'sucked' is a bad thing. Do not misinterpret this for your generation. Therefore, because of us, Karun did not have high expectations when he finally got down to seeing the movie; and because of this, he loved it. This is a perfect example of what i'm trying to say. Almost too perfect. But that's how life is. Seemingly too perfect.

PS: I like self referencing. It's why i love 30 Rock: see Season 1, Episode 5: Jack-Tor. I also like Baby I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys; Dreaming Of You - The Coral and Friend Is A Four Letter Word - Cake.

Grandparents Anonymous

**I've added this at the end of the post. Just a small pointer-I probably don't mean what i say in this post. Enjoy anyway!

I hate old women. I don't know if it's compulsive hatred or an offshoot of some longforgotten childhood trauma; but i hate old women. To be completely honest, i hate MOST old women. Of course, by most, i mean 99% of old women. I see them on the roads, in restaurants, in bazaars and other such old women-ey places; and they keep reinforcing the 'somewhat irrational' hatred. This 'irrational' hatred is entirely superficial, but let that not take away from it's magnitude.

What their body language says (why i hate them):

Their body language is slow. They walk and function slowly not due to old age or tiredness, but with evil intent. Their aim is to show that the world moves according to them. They look like they've lived a hard life and hence expect respect. They give off that no-fucking-nonsense look; and always expect things to go their way-just because they're old. Lastly, and most importantly, they always look pissed off or tired. It is this that pisses me off the most, although i don't discount any of the other factors.

I now feel no need to justify myself further to you; so i move on to the point of this post.

Grandparents-one of the biggest pitendencies that people have.

Grandparents always feel the need to pass on advice. The relevance of the advice is of no consequence; it just acts as tonic to their well fed ego. It plays a self-glorifying role rather than a useful one. They've lived their life to a ripe old age, and they have hence earned the right to pass on advice. I find this revolting.

One can see this in popular culture. The couple will talk about how the mother-in-law is always asking about the price of everything; or about how she is always so critical about the living environment; or about the father-in-law will always want to know where he's invested the stock so that he can show his dissent or approval. This will always be behind their in-laws' back. At a superficial level, everything will seem fine. I hate this.

I'm struggling to find words that can describe how i feel about this 'deserved' discrimination. If an old person is pissing you off, you should be able to tell them the same way you would to any other person. God!

PS: John Scofield - Piety Street. The full album is fucking insane; although it is a bit Gospel lyrically. It's blues gospel, man; so you'll enjoy it either way.