The Return Part II & The Humour Of Andrei Arshavin

The Website In Question

I'll first deal with the Return. I haven't had any drive to do a post, and i had also forgotten the rush that comes along with a post. I think i should start being more regular now. Forgive the initial grammar lapses, they should go soon. With luck, i'll be a regular blogger again. I had to put this before the main post.

Incidentally, this is the first post in which i've copied my facebook note onto my blog. So sorry about that as well, but i've adapted it to the blog ka format. So it should work out.

You know, i've always wondered whether sports celebrities are funny people. Think about it, an actor or a model or that kind of celebrity would either have started off as a cool person; or become cool because of the constant contact with cool people. Sportsmen/women recieve as much if not more admiration from fans; so are they, in fact cool; or are they just glorified lame ass pansies? You may never know.

However, in some cases, it is exceedingly obvious. Have a look at this:

http://arshavin.eu

That's the official website for Andrei Arshavin. Havitty a lookie, and getta backie.

(continue reading this after you've been through the website. You have to go to the link given above. If you can't use that, then just type out "Andrei Arshavin official website" on google and go to his official website. NOT his wiki page, you idiots!)

Now, there are two possibilities that i see. He is either a fucking bored idiot with a bit too much money, and over enthusiastic marketing amateurs; or a fucking genius. His answers to all the questions that fans ask him are so cleverly answered that you can never tell whether he's being genuinely stupid or he's fucking with the fans. Respect, Andrei.

A few instances:

Dear AA, having read your answers I’ve got the impression (perhaps I’m wrong) that you are bored of life!
Sincerely, Africa
Arshavin: I find life interesting.

Andrey, why do you wear those long shorts? You do not like the former style?
Short shorts made the slender legs more visible. Or maybe footballers’ figures became worse and they’ve developed a lot of complexes? And why do you shave you legs?
Arshavin: I don’t shave my legs. As for the uniform, we wear what we are given.

Andrey, do you need apples? We’ve harvested a lot of them this year!
My friends also have a lot of apples and they don’t take mine. But they are so tasty and sweet, especially “white juice”. It is a pity that they’ll go bad...
Arshavin: I love apples, but on the other hand, I think there are many other deserving people who will accept your apples.

From natalina
Are you lucky with your mother-in-law?
Arshavin: I think, yes.

Hi Andrey, I bet nobody has ever asked you this and nobody ever will, I’m sure: what color is your bath sponge?
Arshavin: Blue.

I rest my case.

PS: It does, indeed feel good. But i don't think i'd have been able to do it directly here. So in a way, it's a good thing that the facebook medium thing happened. Also, Cake - Commissioning a Symphony In C; Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps; Frank Sinatra; World Of Two. I can go on.

Grandparents Anonymous

**I've added this at the end of the post. Just a small pointer-I probably don't mean what i say in this post. Enjoy anyway!

I hate old women. I don't know if it's compulsive hatred or an offshoot of some longforgotten childhood trauma; but i hate old women. To be completely honest, i hate MOST old women. Of course, by most, i mean 99% of old women. I see them on the roads, in restaurants, in bazaars and other such old women-ey places; and they keep reinforcing the 'somewhat irrational' hatred. This 'irrational' hatred is entirely superficial, but let that not take away from it's magnitude.

What their body language says (why i hate them):

Their body language is slow. They walk and function slowly not due to old age or tiredness, but with evil intent. Their aim is to show that the world moves according to them. They look like they've lived a hard life and hence expect respect. They give off that no-fucking-nonsense look; and always expect things to go their way-just because they're old. Lastly, and most importantly, they always look pissed off or tired. It is this that pisses me off the most, although i don't discount any of the other factors.

I now feel no need to justify myself further to you; so i move on to the point of this post.

Grandparents-one of the biggest pitendencies that people have.

Grandparents always feel the need to pass on advice. The relevance of the advice is of no consequence; it just acts as tonic to their well fed ego. It plays a self-glorifying role rather than a useful one. They've lived their life to a ripe old age, and they have hence earned the right to pass on advice. I find this revolting.

One can see this in popular culture. The couple will talk about how the mother-in-law is always asking about the price of everything; or about how she is always so critical about the living environment; or about the father-in-law will always want to know where he's invested the stock so that he can show his dissent or approval. This will always be behind their in-laws' back. At a superficial level, everything will seem fine. I hate this.

I'm struggling to find words that can describe how i feel about this 'deserved' discrimination. If an old person is pissing you off, you should be able to tell them the same way you would to any other person. God!

PS: John Scofield - Piety Street. The full album is fucking insane; although it is a bit Gospel lyrically. It's blues gospel, man; so you'll enjoy it either way.

It Could Get Worse

Today, i went to see a hindi movie. Let's examine that statement for a while. What could possibly prompt me, a serial hindi movie hater to put himself through 3 hours of pain? Here are some scenarios that are plausible. No prizes for guessing which ones aren't.

1. He (being me) was dragged along by friends/girlfriend/boyfriend/family. We all know that his friends don't watch hindi movies, at least not the ones who drag him to movies anyway. We know for sure that he isn't in what is termed as a relationship, with either sex (and yes, he does specialize in self-cans). However, we do know that, just as James Cameron decided that his next project would be based on the work of David Firth, his folks from outta town are in town. So maybe they dragged him along in an effort to include him in some family outing.

2. He saw a trailer of the hindi movie and enjoyed it immensely. This hence justifies his need to watch the movie. It however, does not justify his so called heterosexual stance.

3. He was eating food whilst inebriated, and you can't really blame anyone for being inebriated. The obvious argument is that he doesn't do any inebriating devices, and that one can't just throw food in there because he likes food. But then, what is obvious these days?

4. He was wandering aimlessly with an eye patch over his good eye and ended up in Sterling instead of the vasectomy clinic he was looking for. Get it? Comment if you don't; and yes it actually does mean something.

5. He mistook the hindi movie for the newly released 'Avataar'.

6. He went for a hindi screening of 'Avataar'.

7. Avataar.

Anyway, before i got sidetracked a bit there, i was talking about the hindi movie i went for. Now, i categorize my thoughts:

My Expectations:

I went to the movie expecting a badly edited; badly dubbed two-bagger. I went there expecting to laugh my ass off at the expectations of the director from the audience. I went there, expecting to be entertained by the badness of the movie.

My Reactions:

The movie, surprisingly has sync sound, so that, in addition to being a welcome surprise, also made the movie look semi-professional. The sync sound guys did do a good job there. The movie has no 'songs' in the general hindi-movie way. What is does have is a very prominent score, and here they do score some points (I'm indulging myself there) in my eyes. The score is reasonably well done, with flashes of awesomeness. What with the sync sound and good score, the movie's audio does do very well. The editing and shooting style, apart from being pointless at some points (hah!), is sometimes just lazy. I counted 5 continuity errors in my first viewing; and i'm sure more will come up if i ever do see the movie again. The acting is good, but like all hindi movies is generally exaggerated. I see this as a fault of the director, as they expect this kind of acting; so this is what the actors provide. By actors, i mean actors and actresses, of course. But i refuse to satisfy feminists, for their satisfaction levels are like Chelsea's transfer funds.

All in all, the movie isn't bad. It does drag at some points, but don't all movies? Of course not, but that made for a nice line, didn't it? I like asking the reader questions, it makes them think. It makes you think. Even better is providing the answers after the questions. This makes you think the way i want you to, doesn't it? You're homosexual.

PS: Vampire Weekend - Cousins

Pain, Misery & Doubt

Yet again, we experience pain and misery; and yet again, we have all the excuses to defend ourselves. But yet again, we were pathetic. It's just like those fantasy football games we all used to play. Each team had three formation options going into each match-attacking, defensive and counter-attacking. Defensive worked best against counter attacking; attacking worked best against defensive; and counter attacking worked best against attacking. From this we can figure out what won't work against what.

Stating facts: Portsmouth fielded an immensely creative and attacking formation. Liverpool fielded an extremely defensive formation, in addition to a left back in midfield. Logic said that Liverpool were going into this one hoping for some Torres magic and a 1-0 win or a draw at the very least. Logic also said that Portsmouth were going into this one looking for a win over a team badly lacking confidence. Fuck Logic, i said. We have Torres, and in him alone, we have a counter attacking presence like none other. That bit didn't work out too well either.

Of course, it can be argued that Dossena is pathetic at the back, and his only real skill lies in his creativity and his forward forages. The fact remains that he is simply not Riera, Aurelio or even Babel, for that matter. It can also be argued that with Torres in front, Liverpool were as close to counter attacking as they could get. Yet again, it seems that the best goals are always scored against Liverpool; and yet again, it seems that the referees just don't like us.

I'll still defend us when them Mancs try to shove their noses in our butt cracks; but will i really believe it? Is it really the end of Rafa? Mark Hughes has gone, and will Rafa go too? God knows that if anyone's a bandwagon humping cowboy, it's the esteemed 'owner' of Liverpool, so will he look for the quick fix, or will he stick with the fans?

There's just too much doubt. When i see the Liverpool's starting eleven, i don't see creativity and a top four squad. It doesn't matter who's to blame, i just don't see it. I see Arsenal, City, Villa, Chelski and even the fucking Mancs' quality, and i don't see the same in Liverpool. It's no surpise that fucking Birmingham are above us right now.

I don't care if we don't make the top 6, i just want to see some heart, man. Where is the fucking heart? What defines Steven Gerrard? His skill, speed, accuracy, passing ability or his sheer ability to motivate?

Keep the fucking faith, Liverpool.

PS: You'll Never Walk Alone - Gerry & The Pacemakers

Two Album Reviews & Why One Must Hate Luke Kenny

Now, before i make my point, i ask you to go back to your kid days-when you were an amateur music listener. When i was a kid, i listened to what my friends told me to listen to and that pretty much defined what i liked. My friends at the time listened to hindi music, hip hop and pop; so i chose from what they gave me and naturally ended up liking stuff like Blue, Backstreet Boys, 50 Cent, and Bombay Rockers. You can laugh now, but that's what i liked, and to be fair, noone introduced me to the awesomeness that i spend my time listening to now. But the point i'm trying to make is this: we've all had our faggoty-music-listening-to-days; whether we admit it or not; and stuff like that does sound good, even if we don't admit it or even stop listening to it completely.

Now, with my new found musical tolerance, i find that i'm able to appreciate everything. Of course, there'll always be the odd Karun, Harry and Bhende laughing at me for listening to what i'm listening to, but who the fuck cares? I listen to what i like, and i like what i listen to. I have no patience whatsoever for musical judgers. Hence, i go ahead with what will soon be termed as the most faggoty thing i've ever done.

Album: Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato

After listening listening to this album, one of the first things you'll want to see is whether she can pull it off live; and i was extremely sceptical before i went to THE YOUTUBE! I managed to find two live performances of the title track and 'Solo'; and i was fucking blown away. I didn't hear ONE off note; and these aren't easy songs either. I rate her above Brandon Boyd in note perfection, and that's saying something (Incubus, for those who don't know who he is). In fact, i had a strong feeling she was lip syncing, but i double checked with a cam recording of a different performance of the title track; and she really isn't. She is THAT awesome. Just listen to her album.

Anyway, now that the rant is over, the actual content of the album: It's basically a Pop-Rock album; a lot like what one would expect Avril Lavigne to do, only a lot brasher musically. Avril may have more persona, but her music lacks the awesome Rock feel that this album has. Of course the album has the usual boy-centric songs and the pop elements and all of that, but it's all done really well, and the beauty of it all is that the band pulls it all off live. In addition to all the soft, heavy and pop elements that she incorporates in her album, she also has a song that sounds like her take on Amy Winehouse-Every Time You Lie. Yet again, the lyrics are cheesy, but really, when has that ever been a problem? Iron Maiden listeners should agree.

I haven't really done justice to it, but it really is an awesome album. Even if it'll probably be the soundtrack for every teen movie there is.

Album 2: New Moon Sound Track

I was reading HT Cafe the other day (the music section-the only worthwhile page there is in that tripe), and i came across some album reviews by Luke Kenny. Now, ordinarily i'd just gloss over it all and move on, but seeing that i now have an unlimited download scheme; i decided to give his opinions a test. He gave the New Moon Soundtrack a 4/5, and this piqued my curiosity. So i decided to download the album. I've regretted this decision ever since. Don't do it, just don't. I heard every song except for the Death Cab For Cutie and Muse songs, and i was sorely disappointed. Out of respect for the two bands i actually like, i will not listen to those songs. You know, i'm not even gonna waste more space or time on this. Just don't do it. I give it a 0.5/5. I actually rate it, that's how much i hate it.

The moral: don't trust Luke Kenny's opinion, he's just another asshole.

By the way, here's a funny story. This instrumental band managed to get through to the Launchpad qualifying rounds. You know, the ones with the panel of judges and all. Anyway, before the band started their qualification round performance, Luke Kenny stopped them and said: "You can't perform as an instrumental band, you've gotta have a vocalist". They argued for a bit and then didn't play. But yes, that, to me, is a little fucked up on Luke Kenny's part.

PS: Jamiroquai - Too Young To Die; Demi Lovato - Every Time You Lie; Electric Light Orchestra - Four Little Diamonds.

Playing On Time

When it comes to studio recording, most musicians get really nervous because of that dreaded click; and i was one of them, till i realized the secret behind playing in time. The secret is what i refer to as the three con's of recording.

Continuous

Conscious

Concentration

One must always listen to the click and ensure that one is in control of the accents and in tempo. One must know the song well enough to listen to the click and not concentrate on the actual content. One should never just listen to the accents and ignore the rest (pretty much); continuous listening is required. One must always be conscious of the click's presence and keep it in mind. Most importantly, one must concentrate on the click. One sees awesome musicians grooving and looking really cool while playing in time; they've either just gotten used to high concentration levels or are hiding their concentration. With these three simple steps conquered, one can effectively play in time (pretty much).

However, the most important part is practise with a click track. A person who has recorded before will be much more at ease with a click track that someone who hasn't; and someone with a decent level of experience will definitely be better at staying in time.

And that concludes my preachy seminar. I only wish i were good with a click track.

PS: Good Love Is On The Way - John Mayer Trio.

How Can Anyone Hate It?

It's been a while since i've felt this feeling. I just watched Ocean's Twelve, and really, it's been a while. The other day, i heard someone telling someone else about how Movie and T.V. standards are going down; and at the time, i snorted to myself. What a fucking cynic, i thought; go make love to your uncle who can quote every line from Airplane if you love it so much. Of course, at the time my thoughts weren't so harsh, but it makes for a good story. Anyway, as i was saying: What a fucking movie.

This other friend of mine kept going on about the awesomeness of the humour in the Ocean's series; and i just kinda phased those statements out. Now, however, with two thirds of that journey complete, i realize that he was so fucking right. I've never seen humour like this. When the movie started out, i laughed a lot; by the time it really kicked in, i was still laughing my ass off; and by the end, well, i was still laughing. I love subliminal humour. Anyway, at the beginning of the movie, i felt like i was going to watch the American interpretation of a Guy Ritchie movie, and it seemed disgusting at the time. Now it just doesn't seem true. By the time the movie really kicked in, i felt like i would have to wiki the movie after to understand everything; and this disgusted me. Now, i realize that it was supposed to make me feel that way. By the time the movie reached the ending, i truly realized and understood what Demi and Harry had been saying all along- that it is just fucking awesome.

If you put that many awesome actors together in one movie, it's gotta be good, right? The argument seems fair now, but it's deeper that just that. Incorporation of so many superstars with equally justifiable roles must've been a nightmare, but it's paid off. I don't know about box office returns or whatever, but it's paid off in my eyes; and a satisfied viewer is all that a movie maker should really look for, isn't it? How idealistic of me.

One thought that comes to mind after watching it is: I'm sure Matt Damon did what Halle Berry did after X-Men 2. Halle Berry refused to come back for X-Men 3 unless they gave her a more 'significant' role; and so they did. The movie still was awesome, but i did lose a bit of respect for Halle Berry. Just a bit. Anyway, i'm sure Matt Damon did the same thing; but the movie was still awesome, so i don't really care that much.

I'm still reeling from the film's awesomeness. I'm glad i didn't watch this one with my parents.

Interesting trivia from the movie's soundtrack: The main theme has a complex poly rhythm. There are two clear parts which are at different tempos, but they aren't overlapping. They are played one after the other in a verse-chorus sorta format. I hope this makes you listen to the theme. Or at least wiki Poly Rhythms.

By The Way, the feeling i refer to in the first line of this post is the awesome feeling one experiences after watching an awesome movie. Just to clarify.

PS: Rob Thomas - Wonderful, Fire On The Mountain; and for those who haven't heard his earlier songs-Lonely No More, This Is How A Heart Breaks.