Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Devil Is Amongst Us. He Is Big, Fat & Red.

A quick snippet from Ricky Gervais' (highly controversial) stand up act:
This is a converstaion Ricky narrates between an elephant who is 'caught' swimming two miles off coast.

Coast Guard: "What're you doing?"
Elephant (Swimming worriedly): "Nothing"
Coast Guard: "It's not nothing, is it?"
*Elephant shrugs while still swimming worriedly*
Coast Guard: (points to a spot behind the elephant) "what's that?"
Elephant (Swimming worriedly) "Beach ball"
Coast Guard: "Tell me what you're doing"
*Elephant looks around nervously*
Coast Guard: "Don't look at him, look at me and tell me what you're doing"
Elephant "Swimming"
Coast Guard: "Yeah, you are", (Scolds), "d'you know how far off coast you are?"
*Elephant shrugs while still swimming worriedly*

Now, you may wonder as to what point that particular narrative carries. Or you may want to know how the conversation ended. Or you may question the point of putting it in this particular post. Or, you may simply be irritated at it's seeming pointlessness and it's frustration inducing properties. I could've put the full conversation up, but then, that'd leave you, the reader, satisfied. Contrary to what you may believe, i do not wish to satisfy you. I wish for you to be as frustrated and pissed off as possible, and then some; and Jennifer Love Huge-Tits on a platter of intelligence wouldn't please me more right now.

Now, i begin. The devil, in his final incarnation is amongst us. He showed himself at the Stadium of Shite last time out in the 5th minute, exactly as Nostradamus said; and if the celebrated prophecy-maker's prophecy does hold true, then the devil's next sighting may well be more than just huge and red. The Mayans did get it right, after all. Even if they were off by about 3 years.

The beach ball is the devil, in all his glory. We all know the devil's colour, size and ego. He chooses reincarnations that are red and big. If one looks at a beach from above, what stands out the most? The hot women? The dogs? The crabs? The sea? The shops? Or the big red balls that are bouncing about, strongly contrasting with the yellow sand? Yup, that religious terror that is now coursing through your veins may be 3 years early, but at least it's there. So even if you're not dying, you're at least feeling shitty.

Let's think back to the person who invented the beach ball. Everyone was happy at the beach. Hairy men and hairy women working out, swimming etc. Suddenly someone comes with a huge red ball, and everyone is transfixed at it's sight. Everyone now wants to just splash about pointlessly in the water with the stupid fat ball. Slowly, but surely, everyone turns fat, much like the fat red ball. Even surfing, the then popular sport/pastime, now faces competition from the fat red ball.

Mayan folklore has it that the fat red ball is a direct descendant of the devil's first incarnation's testicles. But noone repeats these facts, no no. Noone will tell you that within that ball is a flesh memory of all who touch it; and the final aim of all beach balls will never be voiced out loud: to kill all humans, and hump the Gujaratis.

Look at it from Pepe Reina's point of view: he has to compete with Casillas and Canizares. The poor baldie's not gonna get any games anyway. None really worth keeping for, that is. I don't fucking care if Canizares doesn't play for Spain any more, and i don't even care if fucking Victor Valdes is Spanish. The point really is moot with you fucking statistic relying chawnds, isn't it?

PS: Think about it. In the highly likely event of a global cataclysm, only a beach ball will survive.


Prabudh(Im practtising) said...

Aye fucking brill one man,really though i think you shoulda put a little background into the story so others(girls)would know why the fuss about a big red beach ball,and alsopost the you tube video of that stooooopid fucking kid who threw it.Boy is he gonna die.

loy said...

hahahahahahahahahahaa. it's okay, man. the post is meant for a specific target audience demographic. and youtube has no videos of the goal as of last night. i haven't checked today.

poor kid.

Sheepshagger said...

good shit i still want to guest write so one day im going to take you up on that.need to find something good enough to write about.